


The Fake Ah Crew, in the Kitchen, with Everything

by Listless_Songbird



Series: That's Not How You Use That [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Blatant Misuse of Kitchen Utensils, Fake AH Crew, Immortals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-10
Packaged: 2018-03-21 18:07:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3701591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Listless_Songbird/pseuds/Listless_Songbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started innocently enough, it really did.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I wonder if a spatula could be used as an effective weapon during a bar fight." Michael asked watching Ray defend his cookie batter from Gavin with his rose shaped spatula </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everything but the Kitchen Sink (though not for lack of trying)

It started innocently enough, it really did.    
  


"I wonder if a spatula could be used as an effective weapon during a bar fight." Michael asked watching Ray defend his cookie batter from Gavin with his rose shaped spatula 

“You could sharpen the edges and use it as a shank,” Ryan commented from the other room. Walking into the kitchen he took another spatula from the drawer and looked it over, “I mean it’d be harder with a rubber one but you could still do it.”  Both Michael and Ray chimed in,

“That’s what she said!” And when Ray turned back to the counter Gavin had stolen the bowl and was attempting to escape.  

“You know I think I could kill someone with every kitchen utensil if I tried hard enough.” He said before brandishing the spatula and chasing after Gavin."If you eat my goddamn cookie dough I will kill you, wait for you to come back and fucking do it again!"

“No killing in the penthouse!” Geoff shouted after them looking up from the floor plans of the next bank they were planning to rob and turning to Jack

“Can you believe them?” Upon seeing the look on Jack and Ryan’s faces uttered “I’m not going to like this will I?” 

“I bet I could do it.” Ryan said looking to the room where they could now hear thumps and screams emanating from. “I bet I could kill using every object in here.”

 “That sounds like a fucking challenge, I’m in!” Michael said hefting a frying pan. Jack just looked up from his book and said

“You’re on.”   
  


And thus began the nightmare that was The Great Fake AH Crew Kitchen Kill Off.

* * *

The problem Geoff thought wasn't that they couldn't do it, they were all very skilled killers so that wasn't an issue. The problem was that they wouldn't stop.

After Gavin tried to hold up a convenience store with a bunch of butter knives he realized he needed to set some ground rules.

 

"First thing first," he told the assembled crew, "No goddamn killing each other in the penthouse! I don't care that you don't stay dead, you're ruining my carpet!"  Ryan put his hand up and Geoff shot him down before the words even left his mouth. "AND no killing other people in the fucking penthouse jesus christ." Ryan lowered his hand and Geoff kept talking. "Rule number two, don't fucking kill each other during a job! We have enough issues keeping everybody alive for the whole job to begin with, and finally, yes. I will be keeping score, any questions?"  
  


* * *

 

  
It turns out that Ray was in the lead having bludgeoned Gavin to death with the spatula the day this all began. He had really gotten into the challenge of it all taking out random civilians by dropping pots and pans from the penthouse balcony. He had also stolen the knife block and hidden it somewhere so that everyone else couldn't use them. As random citizens kept showing up with his knives in their chests Geoff realized that by the time this was all over, he was going need to raid the damn evidence lockup in order to get everything back.

Ryan was second and had a simply excessive amount of gusto for using pans to bludgeon some of their no longer useful torturees to death. That and toothpicks he was quite fond of toothpicks as weapons.  
  
Gavin was in third, his first kills were with homemade mustard gas, and other poisons he made out of the cleaners under the sink. Then apparently, he had run out of ideas and attempted the butter knife robbery. The robbery was a complete and utter failure that Geoff was quite frankly ashamed to have associated with him, but everyone was having fun so he decided just to roll with it.

Jack got busy putting silverware in the engines of every cop vehicle he could get his hands on, but only a few of the cars he rigged ended up exploding so he was still in second to last

Michael was in last but the one item he has used so far was a doozey. He had rewired a electric tea pot and somehow made it into a huge boiling water bomb that took out a whole chain of cop cars during a high speed chase.

 

 

Geoff flat out refused to participate.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out our Fake AH Crew Tumblr!
> 
> http://letsbreakthelawagain.tumblr.com/


	2. Battle Royal

Eventually they had used every item in the kitchen they could get their hands on. By this point however there was a three way tie for first between Michael, Ryan, and Ray and they were not letting the issue go. One day Geoff stood up while the three of them were debating whether the amount of people they killed should factor into the points system, and just said

"Fuck this. Everyone in the car. We're going on a road trip.”

 

They all got out of the car to see that they were standing in front of Bed, Bath, and Beyond with Geoff handing them each $50 and saying

"I no longer give two shit's about this competition, but you fuckers won't shut up, so the first one to find the strangest kitchen utensil come back here wins! GO!"

 

Ray and Michael took off in a dead sprint and Jack and Gavin just started to walk, continuing a conversation they had started in the car about airplane turbines. Geoff looked at Ryan who hadn't moved and was just leaning against the car.

"I give it 2 minutes before they start killing each other. I'm just waiting out the storm." he replied

Sure enough a minute later gunshots sounded from inside the store and Geoff let out an exasperated sigh and started the trudge towards the shop. When he got inside he was greeted with Michael laying in a pool of his own blood, and the only cashier was staring in horror at him. Michael slowly came about and took off after Ray swearing his head off, Geoff went up to the traumatized man and tried to smooth this issue over.

"Look dude I'm sorry you had to see that, but you should know that they are huge drama queens and carry fake blood with them everywhere. The good news is that no one actually died, and we do intend to buy stuff, so it's be great if you don't call the cops."

Just as he finished speaking Ray came sprinting around the corner brandishing a decorative shish kabob skewer and right on his tail was Michael carrying a crockpot like a football.

"Fuck you Michael I was here first!" Ray called screeching to a stop in front of the cashier. Geoff paid for all their purchases; Jack had a hand-crank whisk, Ryan had gone for a melon baller, and Gavin had a brutal looking meat tenderizer.

"You know how I said the the first person here would win? Yeah, I've changed my mind. You fuckers are in for a battle royal.”

 

* * *

  
  


They soon found out that Ryan knew a place where they could duke it out.

“Its an old cage fighting place, it hasn’t been used in a while but no one will bat an eye if we cause a ruckus.” With mutterings of

“Of course you do.” And

“I don’t want to know how you know this do I?” They were off.

 

When they arrived, the place did have an aura of desolation to it, but that just added to the experience. Each of them went to a wall in the cage, and Geoff found a viewing platform to the side. In his deep announcer voice Geoff proclaimed,

"The last man standing will declared the ultimate champion of the kitchen utensils. On your mark. Get set. GO!" And with that the carnage began

 

Almost immediately Jack became tangled in the egg beater, having spun it too close to his beard. As he has serious priority issues, he immediately stopped caring about the death match he was in, and attempted to extricate the weapon without damaging his beard. Gavin took this opportunity and charged Jack madly swinging the meat tenderizer until he got a solid hit on his nose. As Jack crumpled to the ground Gavin turned around only to see Ray right in front of him.

"X-ray and Vav?" He offered up hopefully.

"Not today, sorry" Ray replied before shoving the skewer into Gavin's throat, severing the jugular.

Ray wiped the blood off on Gavin's t-shirt and stood back up putting his back to the chain wall. Looking around he saw that Ryan had the same idea, but Michael was still hunched over his crockpot doing something. Not one to pass up an easy kill, Ray attacked. Only to be caught off guard when Michael spun around and  grabbed him around the neck with the cord from the pot, and started to strangle him.

Then only Michael and Ryan were left. Ryan began to advance towards Michael holding the melon baller in his hand and a grin on his face. Michael backpedaled away from Ray's corpse and grabbed the lid of the pot holding lid like a shield.

"Thats not going to save you." Ryan said right before sprinting forwards and going straight for the eyes. Michael gave a valiant attempt but he was no match for Ryan who stood up and looked over to Geoff. Who was, irritatingly enough on his phone.

"Oh high and mighty! Hello?" Geoff looked down

"Are you boys done yet?"

"No shit. I won!"

"Congrats. Your prize is a bullet! Good job." As he said this Geoff pulled out a his pistol and shot Ryan, watching him fall before getting up from where he was sitting and going down to the cage. Jack was already coming back to life, but Geoff wanted to enjoy the first bit of peace and quiet he had had for weeks, so with a muttered apology he shot Jack as well. Bringing the car around he lifted each one of his dead idiots into the trunk, before driving home sighing at the ridiculousness that was their life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out our Fake AH Crew Tumblr!
> 
> http://letsbreakthelawagain.tumblr.com/


End file.
